Fortress

"...The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?
"...The one thing I ask of the Lord - the thing I seek most - is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, delighting in the Lord's perfections and meditating in his Temple. For he will conceal me there when troubles come; he will hide me in his sanctuary. He will place me out of reach on a high rock
"...My heart has heard you say, 'Come and talk with me.' And my heart responds, 'Lord, I am coming.'

"...Teach me how to live, O Lord. Lead me along the right path, for my enemies are waiting for me.
"Yet I am confident I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living.
"Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord."

Goodbyes

Goodbye - "farewell; a conventional expression used when parting."

I have had many farewells in the course my life, particularly in the last four years. It's possibly the most difficult time in ones life because of the constant and steady stream of people coming and going.

It starts with high school graduation when friends part ways to go to different schools and follow their dreams of being doctors, teachers, engineers and, in my case, missionaries. Some friends keep in touch, but for the most part when the summer ends so do friendships with 90% of the people you were closest with during the most important "shaping" years.

As you continue your education, whether formally or not, you meet new friends and acquaintances who help shape you just as your high school friends did. Another four years come and go and before you know it you have changed career paths four times and nearly given up on school innumerable times. Another graduation comes and goes and so do many friends with it. Some friends remain and end up being some of the ones standing up with you on your wedding day as bridesmaids and groomsmen, but what then?

As jobs change and families move to continue the pursuit of their dreams, what of those friendships that you leave behind? Will they last? What will change? What will stay the same?

Something that I have been learning in the last six months since living away from home, and therefore living away from 98% of my loved ones, is that communication and relationships takes work. It is not something that one can leave to chance or let Facebook or e-mail or whatever the newest form of "communication" technology is at the time.

Communication - "the act or process of communicating; the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions or information by speech, writing or signs." It's interesting that though this is an act, the dictionary defines it as a noun when really communication is a verb. To communicate requires time, effort and thought. I cannot simply assume that my mother knows what I am thinking or feeling, I must COMMUNICATE it to her in the best way I know how. Is it always easy to sit down, observe and evaluate my feelings and then articulate them through words? No. But I do it because I love her and it is a way I can show her as well as an opportunity to share the adventure I am currently living.

The truth is, all of us are on an adventure that others want to participate in. But if we do not communicate what is going on - with real letters, e-mail messages, or telephone conversations - others will never know. I think as each generation passes we have a whole new world of technology and information that has crippled us in terms of real communication. I remember when my mom would talk about the Oregon Trail wagon days when loved ones would move away from one another with the reality that they would likely never see one another again. Every page of every letter written was savored because stationary was so expensive and personal letters so rare. It took THOUGHT and EFFORT to pen each letter of every word. It took resources. But we see now that it is virtually free to write and send an email and it is not that expensive to write a real letter and mail it! But as communication becomes easier and easier it happens less and less. People hide behind their computer screens and "poke" one another on Facebook to say 'hello.' Friends "like" the thoughts or opinions their friends share on their 'status.' This is a cheap substitution for what real communication is. It is a false sense of friendship in a world that is so desperate for love and friendship we are looking just about everywhere for it.

I want to apologize for not being a good steward of communication. I want to talk to each one of you. I understand that time is precious and that is why it is that much more important for me to tell you how precious you are by writing to you and asking you how you are doing. I hope this has challenged you and perhaps the Lord has spoken some things to you like he has to me. I will try to be a better steward of change when it comes to real communication and I hope you will do the same; maybe together we can retrain our generation on what communication is and our quests for friendships will end, or at least our loneliness in the process of discovering friendship.

Processing

Humility. This is something that should come naturally to the human race considering how great, big, vast and unparalleled our God is. But unfortunately it is something that we seldom choose. In fact, we do not recognize the depth of our stubborn pride.

This is something I have been so convicted of in the last few weeks. I am prideful. It's the simple and humbling truth. As staff we were asked to make our decision to come back for the next SBS school by the end of January. Upon hearing this, panic seeped into my heart as I even considered staffing another year. Why? Because my ideas of where I will be next year and what I felt the Spirit tugging on my heart to do were different. If I staff another year it means giving up another nine months of my life to serve others, it means potentially spending another Christmas away from friends and family, it means giving up my hopes of going to university in the fall, it means giving up my plans to work and live out my "real life" in the "real world."

I think I've had this idea that once I'm out of YWAM my life will begin. Once I finish this adventure I can start to grow up. Isn't that a little backwards from most people my age? Most are stretching out their youth for as long as possible by partying, wasting money, wasting relationships, living day to day with the perspective that they need to get in as much "fun" as possible before settling down into their "boring" lives - including boring job, boring wife/husband, boring kids, and stupidly mundane lives. What is wrong with me? I am living the adventure of a lifetime and waiting for tomorrow to come when I will finally get off this joyride.

What I felt the Lord speaking to me through this initial panic is that I am trying to maintain control of my life when I gave up this control years ago when I said 'yes' to the cross and His plans for my life. In all his gentleness, yet sincerity, he told me that this IS my life. My problems - both great and small - will never go away. In John the author describes this using the life of Peter as an example. After Jesus has been crucified and buried, Peter goes back to the only thing he knows - fishing. He goes to make money and live his life just as he normally would because he is afraid to go on when his security is ripped away from him. Jesus was exciting and nothing like this had happened in over 400 years since the prophet Malachi. After Jesus died, the disciples were at risk because of the high profile they had during the life of Jesus. The Pharisees hated Jesus and thus, the disciples were afraid of what would happen now that they are seemingly what's left of him. But Peter is unsuccessful in the plans to return to fishing. It says that he does not catch anything which means that he was just as broke, if not worse, than he was just a few days prior to. Though he tried to make it on his own, Peter had no chance because those were not the plans the Lord had for him. Instead, it was Peter that God asked to feed and take care of his 'sheep' - followers of Jesus. It is Peter who spoke and led thousands to the Lord in a single day at Pentecost after the Holy Spirit had come upon him and the other disciples. It is Peter who eventually became the church leader in Jerusalem and was nailed to a cross upside down because he said he was not worthy to die the same death as his Savior.

What would have happened to Peter if he had just gone back to fishing? Would he have been successful? Possibly. Would he have lived the life of amazing miracles and passion in which he lived? Not likely. God knew who Peter was and the passion in which he lived his life and knew that Peter would not have enjoyed fishing as his 'calling.' Peter's life was full of the life of God because he allowed the Lord to change his plans as he followed him wholeheartedly.

I trust that the Lord will do the same for me. He knows me better than I do and how he has created me - my passions, talents, skills, experiences. I will have a full life, you will have a full life, if we simply trust in the plans of God and live passionately for the name of Jesus. He is worthy of our lives, even though we are so unworthy of His. He has called you. He desires you. He has called me and he will somehow make my dreams come true whenever and however he desires; it's all glory to his name.

God, I just pray that you will help me to trust in you and in your goodness for me. You ARE a good God and I know that you know me better than I know myself. You know my going out and my coming in; you discern my thoughts from afar; it is You who knew me even before I was born. I pray that I would bring honor to your name and that you would lead me and guide me where and when to go. Amen.

Where to begin when so much has happened already over the course of the last 5 months?

Staffing...Too big of a topic to handle upfront. Moving on to something a little smaller...

Living. Ironic that this topic would be a smaller one to tackle for the time being, but it is. Living. What does that even mean? "To live is Christ and to die is gain," spoken by the apostle Paul when he was discussing his predicament to the Philippian church in the first century AD. Paul is stuck in this situation where he truly wants to die and be with the Lord - simply because life with the Lord is much better than even the best and fullest life on earth, yet for his love of the church and understanding that they need him to encourage them, teach them and guide them through the humble beginnings of the Christian church Paul recognizes the need for him to remain on earth until the Lord himself calls Paul home.
What does this mean for me? What is my life and where am I going with it? These are the questions that have been running through my mind continuously the last month or so. Truly they have been running through my mind since my high school days, but how much more so since moving onto adulthood. What do I want my life to look like when I am 30? What about 50? What about 100? Will I even live that long?
We hear so often that a life unlived is no life at all, meaning that unless one lives life with no regrets and love with a love bigger than themselves they have not lived though they live to be old and gray. This is true. But what really is living? What does it look like? So many people spend their whole lives wondering if they are living it right. "Am I living it right? Am I living it right? Am I living it right? Why? Why Georgia, why?" are the words sung by the famous John Mayer. It's one of my favorite songs because it talks about the indecisive and confused nature of so many people - both young and old alike. There is a line that goes, "So what? So I've got a smile on. Don't believe me when I say I've got it all down." It makes me wonder if anyone really knows what they are doing in life.
Does God really call people to a certain occupation or does he simply let us choose? I think that regardless of what we do, as believers and followers of Christ, our simply responsibility regardless of occupation or location is to bring honor and glory to the name of the Lord. I think so many times we get so self focused and want to know all about 'My calling,' or 'My life goals,' or whether or not 'My dreams' are going to be fulfilled or not. What is that? God never intended HIS story to be all about us. We are a part of it, true; but that doesn't mean we are the star player or the grand finale. Everyone's story adds up to one thing: the glory of God displayed all across creation.
It's kind of a hard pill to swallow. I will be the first to admit that I have been going crazy trying to figure out my life and what it will be. Should I finish college, should I not finish college? Should I study this, should I study that? Should I remain in Australia awhile longer, should I go home? But what does it matter? Do I want to do those things? Do I want to finish school? Do I want to continue my stay in Australia? Of course. But too often I find myself comparing "my" God to a Magic 8 Ball expecting him to tell my destiny and give me success in everything I do and work wonders. But am I wanting it for his glory or my own?
I think this is a question everyone should ask themselves at some point or another, "Who am I living for?" Because the truth is, God will make his glory known whether it's through you or not. But personally I would much rather humble myself and give glory to God than be humbled and, like many people in the Bible, be used as an example of how not to live your life.

New

So many different things to say; where to begin?
New. Driving on the wrong side of the car, windshield wipers on the left side of steering wheel and blinkers on the right.
New. Driving on the left side of the road while passing traffic is on the right. Round abouts everywhere instead of stop signs.

New. There are no stop signs, simply "give way" signs indicating me to yield to traffic.

New. Instead of the right side being the slow traffic lane on the "motorway," otherwise known as the interstate, slow traffic is on the left side.
New. Shortening the words/names of any given word. Example, "I am going to Salvo's" (Salvation Army); "I attended 'uni' for a year before coming to SBS" (university); "Can we meet this alvo?" (Afternoon).

New. Phone numbers here are not comprised of xxx-xxx-xxxx; rather, it is xx-xxxx-xxxx. Therefore, if my phone number was 719-282-8504, in Australia it would be 71-9282-8504.

New. Teaching for the first time this morning as a real staff person.

New. Being nervous to teach and not feeling well to begin with to good dialogue and being able to answer good questions.

New. Discipling an amazing woman who is six years my senior.

New. Our one and only other male staff is going home tomorrow morning, leaving Bryan to disciple our six male students.
New. Feeling lonely due to the current depth of my relationships.

New. Excited for what God is doing in me and how he is teaching me that I only depend on him. He is where I find my identity.

New. Becoming confident in my calling here and in the things he will enable me to do.

New. This adventure I am embarking on. It is exciting, scary, nerve racking and amazing.

Bittersweet Endings and Exciting Adventures

Well, today is the day that could possibly change the rest of my life. I suppose we could say that about everyday of our lives since it is true that we never know what to expect; a simply moment could alter the course of our lives forever. However today I know some of the things I am to expect, for today I am moving away from my comfortable home in Colorado Springs, CO USA to go to a land down under. Today is the day I move to Queensland, Australia in order that I might teach others of the love of my Savior through his Word.

In ways this is a dream come true! I have wanted to visit Australia from the time I studied it in elementary school. The funny thing is I think what initially started my fascination with Aus is the fact that it was its own continent as well as country. Ahh, the logic of a child. :) At any rate, I have wanted to visit ever since. Now I feel like a kid in a candy store as God is asking me if I would like to visit the one place I have merely dreamed about going to. He is SO good to us! I will be on the Sunshine Coast of Australia for the next year or so teaching in a Bible school that I didn't even think I'd be able to finish as a student last year. I feel so inadequate for this role as a teacher and mentor, yet by the same token it has never been about me anyway. I am so excited for God to unleash giftings in me that I have never been able to see before. I know that through Him I will be able to do abundantly more than I ever imagined because THAT is the God I serve.

The reason this is bittersweet, however, is because of the loved ones I will be leaving in just a few short hours. There are so many big things that God is doing here in Colorado Springs and in the lives of the people I am blessed to call family. God is so faithful in pulling us together and closer to him even during the most difficult times we have gone through. Despite the pain of divorce, we have experienced the life of God flow richly through the lives of everyone involved. As children grow up and move on to new things - develop their own families, go on to further their education, and participate in new sports/activities, it becomes more difficult to be away and unable to celebrate with them.
The remaining category of loved ones is friends. I have met so many awesome, awesome people in the last year I have been home. It is so funny the people God brings into our lives; it is so different from who I would picture for myself. The older I get the more I realize that friendships come and go in seasons. Even a year and a half ago I did not expect for the friendships I had to change and move on, let alone be such good friends with those I had never even seen before. Once again, I see the faithfulness of the Lord. He knew exactly who I needed and those I did not in order that I may grow deeper in Him.

I am so thankful for the people God has put in my life in order that I might have such a solid support system for this new journey I am about to partake of. It is so difficult to have to leave these wonderful people, but I know that those friendships with both friends and family will stand the test of time and distance and will be all the more richer when I return. Thank you all so much for the love you have shown me. I look forward to telling you about the crazy adventures I was a part of and you can tell me the crazy adventures you've had on this side of the world.

Arithmetic by Brooke Fraser

I've been staring at the sky tonight,
Marveling and passing time;
Wondering what to do with daylight
Until I can make you mine.
You are the one I want, you are the one I want.

I've been thinking of changing my mind;
It never stays the same for long.
But of all the things I know for sure
You're the only certain one.
You are the one I want, you are the one I want.

I've been counting up all my wrongs
One sorry for each star.
See I'd apologize my way to you
If the heavens stretched that far.
You are the one I want, you are the one I want.

I won't find what I am looking for
If I only "see" by keeping score.
'Cause I know now you are so much more than arithmetic.

'Cause if I add, if I subtract
If I give it all, try to take some back.
I've forgotten the freedom that comes from the fact
That you are the sum
So you are the one
I want.

When the years are showing on my face
And my strongest days are gone,
When my heart and flesh depart this place
From a life that sung your song

You'll still be the one I want.