Processing

Humility. This is something that should come naturally to the human race considering how great, big, vast and unparalleled our God is. But unfortunately it is something that we seldom choose. In fact, we do not recognize the depth of our stubborn pride.

This is something I have been so convicted of in the last few weeks. I am prideful. It's the simple and humbling truth. As staff we were asked to make our decision to come back for the next SBS school by the end of January. Upon hearing this, panic seeped into my heart as I even considered staffing another year. Why? Because my ideas of where I will be next year and what I felt the Spirit tugging on my heart to do were different. If I staff another year it means giving up another nine months of my life to serve others, it means potentially spending another Christmas away from friends and family, it means giving up my hopes of going to university in the fall, it means giving up my plans to work and live out my "real life" in the "real world."

I think I've had this idea that once I'm out of YWAM my life will begin. Once I finish this adventure I can start to grow up. Isn't that a little backwards from most people my age? Most are stretching out their youth for as long as possible by partying, wasting money, wasting relationships, living day to day with the perspective that they need to get in as much "fun" as possible before settling down into their "boring" lives - including boring job, boring wife/husband, boring kids, and stupidly mundane lives. What is wrong with me? I am living the adventure of a lifetime and waiting for tomorrow to come when I will finally get off this joyride.

What I felt the Lord speaking to me through this initial panic is that I am trying to maintain control of my life when I gave up this control years ago when I said 'yes' to the cross and His plans for my life. In all his gentleness, yet sincerity, he told me that this IS my life. My problems - both great and small - will never go away. In John the author describes this using the life of Peter as an example. After Jesus has been crucified and buried, Peter goes back to the only thing he knows - fishing. He goes to make money and live his life just as he normally would because he is afraid to go on when his security is ripped away from him. Jesus was exciting and nothing like this had happened in over 400 years since the prophet Malachi. After Jesus died, the disciples were at risk because of the high profile they had during the life of Jesus. The Pharisees hated Jesus and thus, the disciples were afraid of what would happen now that they are seemingly what's left of him. But Peter is unsuccessful in the plans to return to fishing. It says that he does not catch anything which means that he was just as broke, if not worse, than he was just a few days prior to. Though he tried to make it on his own, Peter had no chance because those were not the plans the Lord had for him. Instead, it was Peter that God asked to feed and take care of his 'sheep' - followers of Jesus. It is Peter who spoke and led thousands to the Lord in a single day at Pentecost after the Holy Spirit had come upon him and the other disciples. It is Peter who eventually became the church leader in Jerusalem and was nailed to a cross upside down because he said he was not worthy to die the same death as his Savior.

What would have happened to Peter if he had just gone back to fishing? Would he have been successful? Possibly. Would he have lived the life of amazing miracles and passion in which he lived? Not likely. God knew who Peter was and the passion in which he lived his life and knew that Peter would not have enjoyed fishing as his 'calling.' Peter's life was full of the life of God because he allowed the Lord to change his plans as he followed him wholeheartedly.

I trust that the Lord will do the same for me. He knows me better than I do and how he has created me - my passions, talents, skills, experiences. I will have a full life, you will have a full life, if we simply trust in the plans of God and live passionately for the name of Jesus. He is worthy of our lives, even though we are so unworthy of His. He has called you. He desires you. He has called me and he will somehow make my dreams come true whenever and however he desires; it's all glory to his name.

God, I just pray that you will help me to trust in you and in your goodness for me. You ARE a good God and I know that you know me better than I know myself. You know my going out and my coming in; you discern my thoughts from afar; it is You who knew me even before I was born. I pray that I would bring honor to your name and that you would lead me and guide me where and when to go. Amen.